Tax 15/9/2016

I got $9 of Agro tax today, at a swim centre. The centre- already part funded by my real, tax paid by incomes as registered nurse and comedian, charged me $9 to spectate my two boys (10 and 12). $9 is the cost of an adult swim. I know this because I adult swim every now and again. I have to adult swim, because childish swimming like dive bombing, dunking, crazy diving, none pool supplied inflatables, excessive splashing and heavy petting are now vehemently policed by undoubtedly the funest of all professions- the pool attendant.

Agro tax is quite different from Twat tax. Twat tax I can stomach, in fact this very day I skilfully avoided paying $ 508 Twat tax.  Twat tax is money you HAVE to spend that could have been avoided had you been less of a twat; speeding fines, smashed phones, missing flights, biting the TV remote, lost soccer balls. Our family budgets for about $200 of Twat tax monthly. The majority of Twat tax is burnt on myself and my youngest. I absolutely cannot get upset about it, I consider it a special levy that we pay for living fast. I do not need to get upset about the Twat tax, to be honest, the husband gets stressed enough for all four of us.

Agro tax on the other hand is infuriating. It is an unnecessary monetary punishment put in place by a committee or company in order to financially punish the good for the deeds of the bad. Or to shepherd the customer into behaving in a manner that is easier for the service provider. It is invoiced in with apathy by a person that does not agree with the charge, has the power to not apply the charge but still does.

To clarify, let’s look at these two taxes in practice today.

Twat Tax- $508 (excl GST)

I brilliantly avoided taking the kids to the Royal Adelaide Show (2 kids @$200= $400 Twat tax avoided, absolute minimum) by telling them that we go every other year and that we went last year (we didn’t). I said I was treating them to swimming. At this point everyone is a winner. I then forgot my own swimwear, Adelaide is a nanny state and does not allow naked swimming in public pools. After paying the kids in, I nipped in the swim shop at the centre and found the only swim costume large enough for me was a hideous turtle neck, paisley panelled number with an inbuilt skirt. I asked the wise shop assistant 3 questions.

Q1) What is the skirt for?

A) You know? to hide your problem areas.

Q2) Do you have any size 18 costumes that could perhaps SHOW OFF my problem areas instead please?

A) Ugh?

Q3) OK, its $108, why? Look at it, why? That would be $4 in Kmart. If we consider the fact that this has been patch worked together from old dudes dacks from Savers, we can probably bring the price down a little. What do you think? I mean, it is SO bad I kind of want to wear it, but just once. I’m going to go in at $11. Remember I’m just going to wear it the once. $11, final offer.

A) It’s $108.

I think we can all agree my questions are better than her answers. But I am still not costumed and in the pool with the kids as is my wish.

I go back to the front pay desk with a big friendly smile and another question for a life guard/ front desk guy, name badge Nigel.

Q?) Hi, I’m Georgie, I was in here swimming on Tuesday and silly me, I left my swimming costume in the changing room. Any chance I could look through lost property to see if it was handed in.

A)Sure, – (pool attendant rumbles through a box under the desk) what colour was it?

Q) kind of er… you know like a …? Ah look, forget it. Just buzz me through so I can watch my kids…….

Agro Tax- $9

A)Sure, $9 please.

I explained that I was just watching, showed him the receipt for the two kids. He explained what a spineless mediocre line towing prat he was. His badge says Nigel.

Nigel ‘’Ah yeah, sorry, it’s $9 to spectate. Its policy. You see we have certain people who, over the years have snuck in for free saying they are watching, then gone swimming.’’

I go on to tell Nigel (no swearing, no shouting, or Nigel will be disappointed in me and point to a sign saying my behaviour will not be tolerated.)

Me ‘’ I have two unsupervised children in there, you have a policy that states children under 13 must be supervised. I want to get through that turn style to look at children that I can and do look at at home for free. We both know I’m not going to swim, we just established I have no swim wear. You have a policy that states I must wear a costume. Should I sneak in the water, I am pretty sure you could pick me up on twat tax for swimming naked, probably much more lucrative than your $9 Agro tax.

You became a life guard because you wanted to make a difference, to save lives. Have you ever saved a life Nigel? Thought not, but you can make a difference, right now, today. Be the man you were meant to be. The member’s board/ committee that sure as hell dive bombed and dunked their sisters at the family barbies is the very same committee that stops my children from doing anything but pin drops and sensible dives. You wanted to breathe life into people but the board made everything so safe you never will. Don’t let them make you suck the life out of people instead. You have the power Nigel. Let’s do this, time to shine, press the buzzer, let me through. ‘’

Nigel: ‘’$9’’

I’m done.

Me ‘’ $9 Nigel, it’s yours. You have your $9 on one condition. Next time I come in here in my swim wear, you owe me $9. Because I know for a fact you’re going to be spectating and I am not sure you wouldn’t try and slip in for a couple of lengths without paying, and if you did I probably wouldn’t notice.’’

Here’s how you can make the world a better place guys, the morals of the story as such.

  • If you are a person that is tasked with charging people Agro tax- don’t.
  • If you are on a committee or a board (pat yourself on the back, you’re quite an impressive beast aren’t you?) frisk your business for Agro tax and get it removed, it makes you look weak.
  • Next time you get Twat taxed, applaud yourself. Some people never accrue it, because they aren’t interesting enough.

Thanks for listening guys.

NB, here is a handy checklist for your next swimming trip.